we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
