U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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