Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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