No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
