I'm going to jail i love you
My first STD was from a foam party
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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