Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
