I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
