I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
