I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
