that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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