I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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