some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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