dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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