It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
