I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
