fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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