guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
