I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
