she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
