My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
