someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
