i wish my penis had a tongue
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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