You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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