I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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