you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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