why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
