At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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