My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
