I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
