Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
