I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
