I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
