You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
