walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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