I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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