I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
