my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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