i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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