the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
