Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
