FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
