I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
