it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
