i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
