That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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