So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
