Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
