I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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