Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
