did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
