There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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